Tag Archives: sun

satellites_ an encounter told by memory #1: 1999

it’s july and it’s hot as hell outside. M and I spend the afternoons in his room with the light filtering through the blinds. we positioned two mattresses and a rug on the floor. on the rug there’s a huge ashtray, a box always full of grass, roll papers and all our getting-stoned equipment. M has a long pile of CD’s with the whole discography of Aerosmith and Nirvana and Red Hot’s Californication. we don’t leave the house unless we run short of our grass supplies, in which case we have to face the sun and it’s like fighting on the frontline. M only has his underwear and we basically just talk and chill and he often takes short naps.  I personally can’t fall asleep during daytime so when that happens I just hang out by myself, keep changing CD’s ’cause I want to listen to different tracks and think about when this summer will end and how comforting this situation is for me and how it was before getting here and how I pushed back all the shadows. I also watch him sleep. something innocent takes over when he’s passed out. something you’re not able to see otherwise. he relaxes into this long and deep breaths that make him look like a child. and I get lost following the line of his skinny legs and his face pushed against the pillow with his fat lips and his long eye-lashes. in the rare occasions we feel like going out, we go to this park in the valley. there’s a crystal clear water stream that comes down right from the mountain and runs through it.  you can rent this small pedal boats and go till the end of the park where there’s this old rusty bridge we usually stop under, sometimes even for hours.  the trees are so tall and their crowns create shadows and the surface of the water reflects everything as perfectly as a mirror. it’s beautiful. it’s a place for us.

I left home a few months ago. there was this big fight and I ran outside as fast as I could and my father came after me on a bike with this big butcher knife in his hand. I got into this field of tall grass where I knew he couldn’t reach me, turned around and raised my arms crossed in the air as to say ‘I will have you arrested this time’. He went mad. I knew that was to worst thing I could do to him and that’s why I did it. after that, going back home equaled suicide. my mother, as usual, remained silent, not knowing what to say or what to do, hiding behind her broken heart and her ever-present depression.  I actually don’t even know where she was when it happened. she must’ve been seating on her  bedside staring at the wall or in the terrace on the back looking at the neighbors garden, hoping for something to distract herI always tell M that I envy him because his parents seem so open and smart and sensitive and seem to want the best for him. but M never comments on his family. it’s like running on this open road for miles and suddenly bump into a big wall. silence.

sometimes V hangs out with us, she’s from Naples. sometimes M and her start making out when we’re in his room. usually, I just continue doing whatever I’m doing and glance over at them once in a while. they don’t seem to realize I’m there in those moments. I feel left out, but it’s not so bad. days are very long. in the evening we cook something and drink ourselves senseless in the garden. sometimes we stay there till the morning. when we wake up the sky is clear and the grass is damp. we get up without saying a word, collect our empty bottles and drag ourselves inside.

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ghost, I don’t know you anymore

it’s easy. you wake up and it’s a sunny day just like any other sunny day. you’re going to do the same things you did yesterday. more or less. wake up. make coffee. put your jeans on. a striped jumper. after all, it is a sunny day. it’s supposed to be a good thing. some people think it’s a reason to be positive. and it is. then you walk out the door and go to the tube station. you’re on a platform waiting for your train. nothing new, so far. then you hear a voice that says ‘Hey’. there. there it is. your ghost. unfortunately, you recognize him straight away. it would have been so much easier if it took you a while. but a ghost, a good ghost, is always there. ready to come out. to pop up. right. there. now, you haven’t seen this person in years. this person who came out of your life without even saying goodbye. this person you shared moments with. moments that defined who you are. you say ‘hi’ back to him. you take the train with him. you got four stops. four stops for seven years. now this person, of course, feels the need to apologize to you. ‘it was an impossible situation’, ‘i had to cut everyone off’, ‘anyone related to that part of my life’. you’re actually quiet shocked right now. but you don’t even realize it. you talk about what you’re doing. what happened to your mutual friends. what happened right after the last time you saw each other. you get off the train. you’re out of the station. the sun is still out. the sky is blue. it’s perfect. now your ghost is embarrassed because he’s not in the position to keep in touch. you’re still banned from his life. but at this stage you got that figured out. and it’s actually fine. you say, ‘I’ll wait for the next time I’ll meet you on the street’. and smile. this could be tomorrow. the next year. or never. but it doesn’t make any difference, anymore. you’re on your way now. you left your ghost behind you. for a moment you see yourself and your ghost in a car seven years ago. your ghost has passed out. the syringe still in his arm. then you’re back and the image has vanished. all you think about is the sun and the way you’re walking, really. you realize you don’t know this person anymore. he is not part of your life. hasn’t been for ages. he is not  even a ghost anymore.

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